My ASOUE Parodies
by SmokingHippie
Summary: Everyone is His Bitch, Klaus Baudelaire's Wikipedia Parody, Quigley Has a Dream, What Really Happened at the Beach... this is a compilation of the parodies/cracks I've written on A Series of Unfortunate Events


**_So this is a collection of some old fanfics I wrote when I was like 12 years old. I edited them a bit so they wouldn't be AS racy/offensive but if I missed something (like if you see racials slurs or any mention of rape) please tell me and I can take it out._**

 **EVERYONE IS HIS BITCH**

"Uh uh uh uh uh ohhhh yeah uh harder harder oh my god holy shit fuck bitch ass holy shit holy hell jizz explosion" said Klaus as he jacked off in his circle jerk of friends.

"That was weak, you gotta hold it in longer" Quigley criticized as he fapped.

"I agree" Duncan moaned, stroking his little baby dick and exploding in his own face.

Then Quigley fucked his stupid bitches in the face, sharted in their mouths, and jizzed up their assholes. Five times.

Lets face it, everyone is his bitch.

 **KLAUS BAUDELAIRE WIKEPEDIA PARODY**

Klaus Baudelaire is a fictional character and one of the three protagonists of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events series who appears in all thirteen, homosexual, novels. Klaus is the middle child of the Baudelaire faggots; he has an older stripper named Violet and a younger sister named Stripper II. His sister Violet is the family stripper, Sunny is the family blowjob-do-er (and later chef) and Klaus is the sad brony guy. He is twelve years old at the beginning of the series, and turns thirteen in The Vile Village. By the end of the series, he is fourteen (fifteen years old if you count in Chapter 14). Klaus is the "bitch" of the family, and his love of books has often helped him save himself and his sisters. He is also an extremely over-dramatic pussy.

Interests and skills

Klaus is an avid brony. His favorite pony is Rainbow Dash; but he enjoys Applejack just the same. He remembers almost every pony he has sex with, retaining information on tightness and such which often helps the Baudelaires to escape from situations that their enemy, Count Olaf, leads them to and places them in. As a result of this appetite for hardcore pony porn, he has many porno accounts. Klaus always seems to know the definition of words that have to do with fucking and internet-brony-culture, though there are certain words that even he does not know the meaning of, such as in loco parentis (mentioned in The Bad Beginning by Mr. Poe) and xenophobic activity (A rip off of Paranormal Activity). Prior to the demise of Klaus's parents, his father used to take him dildo shopping and ass fucking on riverbeds as a special treat. He reenacts it with Jerome Squalor in The Ersatz Penis.

In The Austere Assfucking, Klaus and Isadora, one of the Quagmire triplets, seem to be finding a non-mutual interest in eachother, but in the eleventh book, The Grim Grotto, Klaus receives his first non-pony kiss (and first non-pony-sex) from Fiona, a crapoligist; the study of being a bitch.

The Bad Beginning

In the beginning of the series, his parents, Bertrand and Beatrice Baudelaire, die in a fire which destroys their family home and was started by an erotic sexual position which involves lighting the pubes on fire, leaving Klaus and his sisters orphaned and horny AF from the description of the fire. Mr. Poe, the banker in charge of the Baudelaire faggots' sexual affairs, sends the three siblings to their new guardian and fuckbuddy, the evil Count Olaf. Count Olaf is a horny, gay, man-pervert who will try to steal the enormous Baudelaire fortune from the orphans, using various nefarious schemes. Violet and Olaf almost get married during the production of his play (which he wrote under the pen name Al Funcoot), The Marvelous Miscarriage Marriage, but Klaus objects; due to his yaoi crush on Olaf's sexy, wrinkled, ass; the ceremony is declared to be invalid. After this, Olaf and his associates go on the run as faggots.

The Rectum Room

Following their dirty, smut filled, stay with Count Olaf, Klaus, Violet and Stripper II are moved to the house of Dr. Montgomery "Monty" Montgomery Montgomery Montgomery. Dr. Montgomery is Bertrand Baudelaire's cousin's brother-in-law's gay ex BF. The Baudelaires went to live with him at the start of The Reptile Room, where Klaus finally feels appreciated for his anal fucking skills, as Dr. Montgomery requires a homo twink to fuck his asshole. Klaus spends time fucking, usually with Monty. Klaus admits he is happy in the home of Dr. Montgomery, but he still wasn't ready to make a commitment. Violet responds with the following: "I think we should all strip and have a beer." Soon after Violet makes this remark, Count Olaf arrives, disguised as an Italian pimp named Stephano. They try to warn Monty, but to no avail. Eventually, Monty does realize Stephano is sexy, but believes Stephano to be a heterosexual after Violet's long-gone virginity. Stephano threatens the children privately later. On the day they are to leave for Peru, they discover Monty's dead, semen covered body in the Reptile Room. He has two tiny puncture holes on his butt, and Stephano claims that he has been double penetrated by Klaus. The children realize that no-one will believe that Stephano is Count Olaf, so they devise a plan to prove it. Their plan succeeds, but Olaf manages to escape. Although Klaus felt responsible for not being able to save Dr. Montgomery, he realized that he has once again proved instrumental in defeating Count Olaf's pussy-lusting schemes.

The Wide Asshole

In The Wide Asshole, Mr. Poe sends Klaus and his siblings to live with Josephine Ansuckit, whom they refer to as Aunt BJ, despite the fact that she is their second cousin's sister-in-law. Klaus does not have such a large role in this book as they are living with a straight woman and he is a raging gay.. Klaus' brony skills led the Baudelaires to Curdled Crapanus Cave. Klaus also proved to be an expert navigator, guiding his siblings through a treacherous Hurricane to reach Josephine, or perhaps he was eager to find the big giant hole.

The Miserable Mill

Count Olaf's evil plans in The Miserable Mill involve a new trick: hypocritisism. Olaf orders Georgina Orwell to seduce Klaus and use him as a puppet to gain the Baudelaire fortune. Over the course of the book, Klaus is un-seduced twice, when nearby people utter the word "inordinate," the counter-attack on this event of seduction. The bald-balled man, one of Olaf's associates, tries to control Klaus through uttering the word "lubericant," and at one point a seduced Klaus breaks their friend Phil's boner. This was a distraction, to try to get his sisters to think "lubricant" was the word used to seduce him, when it wasn't. Klaus feels horny afterward, so the ever-optimistic Phil sucks his dick to make Klaus happy. Klaus also displays a knack for inventing in The Miserable Mill when he saves Charles's dick from being sliced down the middle by the bald-balled man.

The Austere Assfucking

Count Olaf's scheme in The Austere Assfucking involves disguising himself as a Porno teacher and forcing the orphans to fuck hundreds of clients each night (he calls them "Special Orphan Rectum Exercises and Naked-dick Unified Sucking", or S. O. R. E. A. N. U. S.). The object of Olaf's scheme is to make the Baudelaires exhausted so that they would not attend classes. Olaf (as Coach Genghis Khan) plans to "home-school"/adopt the Baudelaires in the event of their expulsion, thus seizing control of their fortune. The Quagmire triplets Duncan and Isadora assist the exhausted and over-fucked Baudelaires by sharing tender love making with them, helping the orphans pass their classes. The triplets also discover a horrifying secret about V.F.D (Violet's fucking diseases), but Count Olaf abducts them and takes their notebooks before they can share their findings. Out of his siblings, Klaus is the only one to run forth and attempt to rescue the Quagmires, a remarkable feat due to his relative asshole exhaustion from fucking naked nine nights.

The Ersatz Penis

While the Baudelaire faggots stay with Jerome and Esme Squalor, Klaus finally overcomes his fear of Count Olaf's giant dick in order to search for the Quagmire triplets throughout 666 Dark Tits Avenue. Klaus, once again, proves instrumental in discovering Count Olaf's pussy-lusting-plot when he makes an important discovery: One Direction is gay. Klaus and his sisters descended into the band's anal depths, finding the Quagmire triplets locked in a cage. They are unable to save the triplets, not having tools to cut the bars of the cage, and the triplets are auctioned off inside a statue of Hitler and Obama fucking. The story ends with Jerome being forced to give the Baudelaires up because he is too sexy and he knows it.

The Vile Vagina

In The Vile Vagina, Klaus and his strippers receive messages from a terrifically sexually satified and wet Duncan and Isadora, and although Klaus mis-deciphers the sexual position "initial" as meaning "first," he later realizes that the messages are in the form of an acrostic spelling out the word "fuck my saggy flabs of vaginal beauty" (Giggity). This discovery leads him to the location of the Quagmires, allowing Klaus and his sisters to rescue the Quagmires. The pusy-lusting-plan goes horribly wrong, thanks to Esme Squalor, and only the Quagmires escape.

The Hostile Hospital

During the siblings' stay at Herpes Hospital, Count Olaf captures Violet, and Klaus discovers that Count Olaf is going to perform a circumsision (an operation which, when translated from Latin means the removal of the penis head) on Violet. Klaus goes to extreme lengths to save his sister, even disguising himself as one of the two-faced bitches in Count Olaf's troupe. He succeeds, and the three siblings escape sorta sexually satisfied but a little horny still.

The Carnivorous Carnival

Disguised as Chabo the Whore and "Bitch and Swallows," the Baudelaires infiltrate the Clitoris Carnival and almost discover what V.F.D. stands for. They are interrupted yet again by Count Olaf's sexy pussy-lusting before they can discover the meaning of the mysterious acronym.

The End

Although Bigtits shipwrecked in the last book of the series, it is stated in the Rectum Room that after many years Klaus still wished he called the taxi driver to take Stefano back, implying Klaus's boners. The final page of "The End" has an image of the Greately-used Uterus, so it's possible that the Baudelaires disappeared through it.

 **QUIGLEY HAS A DREAM**

The smelly ass wind blew through Quigley's long ass dumb anime style hair. He hated it. He wanted cancer so he would have an excuse to not have some stupid fucker hairstyle.

He looked at the bitch next to him, ugh she was fucking ugly; sitting there picking her big ass nose with her hairy manly fingers. And her nasty ass hair was so fucking greasy from never showering. Her cloths stunk from constant sharts and pissing herself all the goddamn fucking time. Her legs were like fucking jungles... almost as bad as her armpits. Ewwwwwwww. She had just ripped one so thick that not even the constant breeze could keep up with permeation. He watched as a little bird dropped dead out of the sky.

"Motherfucking holy shit bitch shit fuck anal tits swallow uthera" He said as he woke up from a really hot and sexy wet dream. His ass was still in that fucking boring ass cave. He had like... passed the fuck out. Maybe acid was a bad idea?

"HEY BITCHES" Screamed this smexy ass bitch as she walked in with her brother. They sat their asses down next to him like they fucking owned the place. They were dripping swag.

"Oh hi there's a ladder in the back of the cave lets make out and dig a pit oh yeah VFD I don't care how much of a stripping bitch you are we should have sex on a waterfall in front of everyone where anyone could look up or down depending on their position relative to our sexy ass fucking including your little brother sister or that pedophile you slept with a million times that no one really knows or give a shit about that I just happen to know after my first time meeting you omg I love your boobs they're so pretty and like saggy and FUN looking." Quigely said, not sounding forward at all.

"I like your name, too." She said like a bitch.

Quigley felt his already uber-boner get even more uber. He had a feeling that tonight was gonna be a good night. It wasn't.

 **WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BEACH**

It was a shitty day in Buttfuck, Massachusetts. These really spoiled rich bitch kids loved it when it was like this because it made all the poor street children sad while they got to ride around in their warm, dry, private jets and limousines. You know how rich fuckers are.

These assholes were sitting on their asses watching YouTube videos, MTV, or first-class porn. Because their fucking rich and their parents each opened up five credit cards per kid just for their fucking kids.

Then these little assfucks decide to go to the beach and drown poor kids and kick sand in babies' faces. So they get on this fucking private trolley they had and fucking rode in style to the beach.

Just then, some kids decided they had enough of the kid's shit and they blew the trolley to bits with dynamite and set the mansion on FIRE.

Sadly, the spoiled asshole kids had just gotten off the trolley and the only people killed were innocent bystanders that no one gives two shits about.

Then all of a sudden this fatass came up to the rich bitches and told them their shit was burned; it is at this point the children actually started pretending they gave a shit about human life. All they really wanted was their money, though...

As the banking fatass told them the news the urchin terrorist cool kids high-fived, of the group were Quigley, Fiona, and Fernald.

"GO POOR KIDS!" Fiona yelled like the conceded bitch she was.

"YAY FOR POVERTY" Fernald shouted.

"YAY FOR ALL THE CARNAGE AND PEOPLE WE KILLED" Quigley said, not mentioning that he thought all this was bullshit and just wanted to watch people die. Then he looked up and got an uber-hard on when he saw Klaus. "Oh my god..." he whispered as he walked up to them, he was so blinded by Klaus's beauty that he ended up groping his sister.


End file.
